[general trigger warning: sexual abuse, rape, discussion of abusers]

Maybe this is obvious. Or maybe it isn’t, because I still find it difficult to believe myself:

There is no single body type for abusers. There is no single body type for victims.

I’ve been trying to reconcile the fact that my mother, who is a foot shorter than me and a twig thin 95 pounds, could be an abuser. I am trying to understand how my brother, who was only a little taller than me and who weighed less than me as a teenager, could have continued to emotionally abuse me after the physical acts stopped. These are people that, if I wanted, I could physically harm without any problem. Yet they were able to hurt me quite a lot. They can still hurt me today.

Here is where I repeat that mantra from the last few posts: abuse is more than physical. A person who is physically stronger and larger does have an advantage in certain situations, yes. And a lot of survivors out there could not fight back or escape because of that. But we need to think beyond that, because abuse is about power dynamics, which is more than just being “stronger” or “weaker” than another person.

I know survivors who were hurt by decrepit old men. I know survivors who were hurt by women half their size. I know people who were hurt by disabled fathers with back problems, and stepmothers who could barely walk. I know people who were hurt by other children the same size as them. Make no mistake— abusers are abusers are abusers, no matter what they look like or how physically capable or incapable they are.

There is no single body type for abusers. All it takes is a power imbalance. I may have been physically stronger and larger than my verbally, emotionally abusive mother, but I could not fight back because my emotional self saw her as a giant. I exaggerated her to many times her size. I still do today. 

Maybe it is simpler to stereotype all people in these situations a certain way. Maybe it helps us by compartmentalizing a deeply unsettling fact: that abusers are ordinary people you see on the street or at work. They might be close relatives or people who helped you through a rough patch. They could be your classmates or your closest friends. They might have demons of their own and you could feel sorry for them, but if they hurt you they are still abusers. 

There is no single body type for abusers.

There is also no single body type for victims/survivors. I know giants who have been hurt. There are olympic athletes who have survived rape. There are body builders and tough men and fierce women who have been abused. Basketball players are abused. Martial arts champions are abused. World class authors and musicians are abused. The friend with the best poker face you know could be a survivor.

There is no single body type for abusers. There is no single body type for victims.

We have to understand this.