Reason #97: The right to be a victim
[general trigger warning: child sexual abuse and rape, rape culture things]
A whole lot of the dialogue and literature surrounding sexual abuse and rape tends to use the term “survivor” to describe us. I use survivor in the literal and emotional sense; I survived suicide. I survived sexual abuse and almost becoming a monster myself. I survived losing my sense of boundary and self. To me, “survivor” means I have already won just by being here.
On the other hand, however, we think that being a “victim” is something demeaning. It’s not good to be a victim— victims are helpless; survivors can fight back. Victims are hurt; survivors were hurt but they keep on going. Victims are “broken”; survivors are strong. And so on.
But in reality, every person who has experienced sexual abuse or rape approaches their self-image differently. Some people call themselves victim until they feel like they’ve gotten to the right point in their lives to name themselves survivor. Other people take on “survivor” immediately because they feel it better fits their desire to keep living in spite of their trauma. Just like it took me years before i could name my experience, it also took me years before I could call myself a survivor. Before that, I was a victim. (And other people don’t even use either of these labels, they find something else or nothing at all.)
The problem with seeing “victim” as a bad thing is that it makes it into a bad thing. But being victimized is not the fault of the person being hurt; it’s the fault of their abuser(s). Earlier today, someone told me that I have a need to portray myself as a victim, that I have a “complex” and a persistent need to be that way. But actually, I’ve realized that it’s the complete opposite; I am so anti-seeing-my-self-as-a-victim that it has hurt me.
The fear of labeling yourself a victim is often paired with that “you’re just doing it for attention” thing. The message we get is that drawing attention to our problems is morally reprehensible, that it’s selfish and wrong. But again, there is nothing wrong with being abused; the abuser is the one at fault. Other times, the “victim” label means that we are flawed, needy people who need to “pull ourselves up by the bootstraps”; but isn’t everyone like that every now and then? We all need other people. We all need to tell other people that we’re not feeling okay.
Sometimes I am a survivor, and other times I am a victim. I’m here, and I am a victim of child sexual abuse and rape. Well, so what? Maybe that makes some people feel uncomfortable, that we are going around and (gasp) existing as people-who-survive and people-who-are-victims. But when I draw attention to my situation, I am claiming my right to exist in this world as a full and complex person, with all of the wants and needs therein. So labeling myself as a victim is not something horrible; it’s realistic. Yes, I was a victim of child sexual abuse and rape. And yes, it has all affected me in significant ways. That is a fact.
If I can’t acknowledge this, the fact that I have been and sometimes still am a victim, I create unrealistic standards for myself. I make myself believe that I must always be strong, that I must always be the Survivor with a capital S; always powerful, always laughing and never crying. I tell myself that I must always be tough and unflinching in the face of fear, in the face of a kind of death that reaches beyond the body and into the heart.
But no survivor is like that all of the time. No one is like that all of the time. Or even most of the time.
Sometimes I am a victim, and that’s okay. It’s my right to be one.
