Life Update, 28 Feb 2011
I just wanted to post so that no one thinks I’ve gone crazy/died/disappeared or something, especially after my previous post. I’ve been very busy lately with school and just learning how to enjoy being myself. A few quick life updates: 1) Because of a bureaucratic thing, I have to change therapists. In a nutshell: there’s a rule that says your therapist cannot be the same...
Putting a Burden Down
Putting a Burden Down by Molly Peacock Putting a burden down feels so empty you almost want to hoist it up again, for to carry nothing means there is no “me” almost. Then freedom, like air, creeps in as into a nearly airtight house, estranging you and your burden, making a breach to leap in, changing an airless place into a landscape, an outdoors so full of air it leaves you breathless, ...
Reason #26: I am not a good person
When you are fucked as a kid, or in an abusive situation, the person in power tries to make everything seem as if it’s your fault. If something goes wrong, then you either “deserved it” or “no one cares anyway”. The bottomline is that you aren’t worth shit. It’s no surprise, then, that so many of us have trouble learning to love ourselves. Small mistakes...
Reason #25: Senator Scott Brown Each time one of us goes public and tells our story, all of us win. Each time one of us goes public, we all learn that we are not alone. —Butterfly, Reasons You Shouldn’t Fuck Kids The full interview airs this Sunday.
Reason #24: doing things for the benefit of...
Last tuesday, I saw my therapist, Sheena, for the second time. I’m pretty amazed by how far we’re already moving. We talked more about mindfulness and enjoying things in the moment, and somehow we got onto the topic of things I do for myself. I talked about how, every time I am around my mom, and we get into even the smallest argument, it’s incredibly triggering and painful for...
Reason #23: Living life as a revolutionary act
Two weeks ago, I wrote about Bill Zeller, a man who survived multiple instances child rape and sexual abuse and went on to attend Princeton and develop software used by millions of people, but who ultimately could not handle the gravity of what had happened to him, and resorted to suicide. Regardless of the severity or degree of experience, many, many of us have gone down this path— myself...
Reason #22: Damaged goods, part 2
I’ve recently posted about how my ex-girlfriend said some things to me that made me feel seriously fucked up. I talked about my addictions, and how I indulged in some in order to deal with this illusion that I am unlovable. I also mentioned it in my first therapy session with Sheena. Ever since my ex told me these things last week, I’ve been feeling especially fucked up, like there is...
Reason #21: The door has to be closed
In previous posts, I’ve mentioned that I have a physical disability— I am seriously allergic to a lot of things, including perfumes and fragrances. Because of this, I can’t use the same laundry facilities or bathrooms as other people, and I have to live off campus. Living in my own apartment for the first time has been a really strange experience. Most of it has been benign, but...
Reason #20: Starting my seventh year of therapy
Here, listen to this I saw a therapist for the first time in (almost) a year yesterday. Long story short: I started seeing a counselor, Carole, when I first started school here, and we were making a lot of progress until she left last summer. After she left, I started seeing another counselor (let’s call her Elle). It didn’t really work out; she was just too different and we...
traumatrae: The song is “23” by Jimmy Eat World (Thank you so much Allie) It has taken me 12 years to say this. I hope it helps you as much as it helped me.
Reason #19: My addictions, major or minor
Many people who survive sexual abuse or sexual violence end up with serious problems. Take for example these statistics: RIA found that, compared to non-victims of crime, rape victims are: 13.4 times more likely to have two or more major alcohol problems; and Twenty-six times more likely to have two or more major serious drug abuse problems. Or this: Nearly one-third of all rape...